“Love is rendering one’s own needs and wants irrelevant on the behalf of another.” That was my own answer to the question ten years ago when asked by our pre-marital counselor. I thought it was a unique and intelligent answer that I came up with myself. I did come up with it myself, and I still think it’s a unique answer, but I don’t think it’s the full answer. Of course, I haven’t always implemented this result in my marriage. Year after year, I’ve settled comfortably in a good enough mentality. Don’t we all?
A choice in action?
I was listening to a song in my car when the question came up in my mind, “Is love really a choice?” A choice is an action as far as anyone else can tell. If you choose to do things for other people, that’s good. It is evidence that you care to be good by doing good. Words and deeds by themselves are the fruits of our internal motivations, but they don’t always represent our true motivation. Perhaps one is “doing” what they’re supposed to for other reasons beside love. Maybe that motivation is compliance to an obligation, or pacification of another’s desire. Alas, despite any word or action, our internal motivation can be questioned by other’s no matter what we do. If one is skeptical, they can come up with all kinds of ulterior motivations; rendering our actions insufficient and even counterfeit. In that situation, no matter what we do, our actions and words can be called into question as being un-genuine. This is proof that we all know, deep down inside, that love isn’t just a choice in word or deed, love is something more.
Hooked on a feeling?
“Once I had a secret love. That lived inside the heart of me. All too soon my secret love, became impatient to be free.” These words begin the old song “Secret Love.” Something was building up from the inside that had to be expressed. The author, reflects a shy soul wanting initially to hold back this revelation of love within. Why? Perhaps it came from a perception of inadequacy; an undeserving aspiration; an incomplete; one sided part that was bound to be voided without the whole. “So, I told a friendly star, the way that dreamer’s often do, just how wonderful you are, and why I’m so in love with you.” This second line reflects the internal musings of one stirred up inside, agitated beyond silence, yet not willing to address the object of love directly. A star can’t hear, and it’s beyond too far away to do anything about anything if it could. It’s a safe place to land a delicate, fragile, vulnerable secret.
“Now I shout it to the highest hill, I even told the golden daffodils. At last my heart is an open door. My secret love’s no secret anymore.” Telling more inanimate objects far and near is not quite the fulfillment of love. It could be that this infatuated declaration never landed on the ears of the object of its affection. We may never know if the connection was truly made in this song. Perhaps it’s implied without words. Yet, a whole lot of motivation was put into action, proclaiming abroad the secret love within the heart, but if it’s never received and reciprocated, it remains just a feeling, an obsession, never heard by any human being let alone to one who’s supposed to hear it. Love then, is not just action and it’s not just emotion put to action. It’s more. These are indeed elements of love, but they, by themselves, are incomplete. Love is the sum of them… and more.
“It takes two baby”
The following lyrics are a fitting response to the inadequacies of the last song I presented.
One can have a dream, baby
Two can make that dream so real
One can talk about bein’ in love
Two can say how it really feels
One can wish upon a star
Two can make that wish come true
One can stand alone in the dark
Two can make the light shine through
It takes two, baby… Me and you.
Genuine love, in its fulfillment, must be motivated by emotion, put into proper action, and reciprocated mutually. If there is an imbalance in these elements, the ideal that we all know, recognize, and strive for is unachieved. It is when these elements are not balanced by approximate mutuality, that resentment and frustration can build. So is love a choice? Is a feeling a choice? Is mutuality a choice? Certainly action is, but these other elements are not directly. Sometimes we can act indirectly to change our’s and other’s feelings, but not always. Mutuality is two choices not just one and each of us can barely control our own choices. Good luck choosing your own feelings and action let alone someone else’s. Choices may be the smallest elements of love, albeit important ones, but love is not at all that simple and we all know it.
Beyond Love
Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
This I tell ya, brother
Ya can’t have one without the other
Love and marriage, love and marriage
It’s an institute you can’t disparage
Ask the local gentry
And they will say it’s elementary
Try, try, try to separate them
It’s an illusion
Try, try, try and you will only come
To this conclusion
The commitment of marriage is beyond love. Its purpose is to ensure a social structure no matter what feelings you or your spouse have. If you don’t have feelings for your spouse or your spouse doesn’t do enough for you or any such combination, the appeal of your vows is meant to bind you together regardless. It is an appeal to a greater cause beyond an individual. It is an appeal to a greater cause beyond two individuals. It is an appeal to a greater cause to make stable the very pillars that society is built upon.
It is no coincidence that the second chapter in the Bible declares that the individual alone is not complete. Society cannot be sustained by the whims of an individual. It is sustained by the cooperation of the collective. That collective is built on the family. That family is built on marriage and yes, marriage is built upon two individuals, but not one. Love is the ideal natural kindling that we all strive for. It is the oil that runs the machine smoothly. Without it, things are more difficult. We should all strive for love, but if we find ourselves in a situation less than our own ideal, our commitment to the greater cause should be our motivation to make the best of our situation and not create chaos by breaking this crucial part of society; knocking down the pillars that uphold it. Love may not be a choice, but the sum of feelings, actions and mutuality, however, commitment is a choice and that is something that our society needs to regard highly. So, let’s not confuse the two. Love is the ideal and commitment is the practical. We don’t always achieve our ideals, but we can chose to stay committed for the higher ideal. The simple salient song “Love and Marriage” embodies this truth.
Love without commitment is an affront to society. Love without commitment is an affront to the object of love. Love without commitment is a threat to love itself. Commitment is the last necessary piece that helps to mend against the uncertainties of the future. Feelings change. People change. Circumstances change. Without commitment, love has an uncertain future that can sabotage itself. Insecurities can warp motivations and actions into a convoluted mess of questionable mutuality. Without that last piece of the artifice that holds society together, that last element that resides on the other side of love; love is a vulnerable sapling contingent on nothing changing in the future, but everything changes! Commitment, therefore, is rendering our own needs and desires irrelevant for the betterment of the greater cause. Commitment is the solidification of love. Commitment is our mutual bonding together; tightly holding each other hand in hand, arm in arm, side by side as we face the uncertainties of the future.
The commitment of marriage is the expression of love beyond an individual. The commitment of marriage is the expression of love beyond a couple. The commitment of marriage is the expression of love even beyond society. It is the giving of one’s self to the greater cause; the ultimate cause; the first cause. Commitment is the expression of love to God. That love does not require a mutual reciprocity. For what do you expect in return from God? That love doesn’t require a mutual feeling. For how can you know what God feels? That love is a one sided commitment toward God without any expectation of anything in return. It is agape love. We can transmute that love toward one another, but even God can’t or (won’t make) everyone reciprocate His love. Likewise, we cannot make any other person reciprocate our love. What we can do is choose to stay committed to each other, come Hell or high water thereby ensuring the bonds that bind us together. As another song begins,
Blest be the tie that binds�Our hearts in Christian love;�The fellowship of kindred minds�Is like to that above.
This tie of marriage is bound by determination not deterred by waning feelings. It is bound by persistence; not bound by results. It is bound by commitment not bound by reciprocity. All those elements are building blocks to that end but all of them are rendered irrelevant by this irrefutable truth. The sustenance of the highest order is sustained by this sacred institution and WE can chose our part by making it whole. Still, like the song says, “It takes two…” The commitment of marriage, in the end, is indeed undiluted choice but in its fulfillment, it is two choices not one. So let us each make that choice TOGETHER or else WE will be undone.
Scott S Nutter 